DO YOU HAVE AN END-GAME PLAN?
Why it’s important to have a life plan and a team that can support you during challenging times.
Recently, I attended the celebration of the life of an old friend. We met as 18-year-olds in 1978 when we were conscripted to do our two-year service with the good old South African Defence Force.
Back then, it was something to be proud of … We were part of an elite group of men (boys?) who were untouchable, unbreakable and with the world’s wisdom. Today, 46 years later, our old group of “unbreakables” still meet regularly, and we get together every second year for a reunion.
During every reunion, we honour those who have departed, and it hit home during this celebration of life that of the 90-odd who served together in E-Coy from 1978 to 1980, 32 are no longer with us … One third of our friends have died before their 65th birthday. We clearly are not as tough as we thought we were …
Over the past month, during client consultations, on three different occasions, people (mainly men) made very similar statements that went something like: “When the time comes, I will end it”. This is not an uncommon statement and a grave concern that should not be taken lightly.
We often joke about it and brush it aside lightheartedly. Be careful, the stats of elderly suicide do not look good, and the number of suicides and attempted elderly suicides are on the increase. The reasons for the suicides range from financial stress, depression, health issues, and loneliness, to mention a few. The sad thing is that all these factors can be managed, and suicide and bodily harm are preventable in many cases.
While suicide is not limited to the elderly, it is important to note that the success rate of suicides among the aged is much higher than other groups, which indicates a level of desperation and commitment to succeed. Society must become more mindful of this dark threat, and support structures must be put in place to prevent this growing trend.
If you are one of those who plan to “end it” when the time comes, consider the following:
What will be the trigger? What circumstances or events will drive you to consider such drastic action? How must those circumstances change to make you reconsider such a traumatic act?
What do your family and partner think about your plan? Without exception, the spouses of the individuals who made the comments did not respond verbally when I questioned them about how they felt about their spouse’s comment. However, their body language and the look in their eyes clearly indicated that they disagreed …
If “ending it” is your strategy, what happens when that time comes, and you cannot “end it”? There is no way of knowing your physical ability and state of mind when the time comes. For instance, people with dementia don’t know that they have dementia. They merely accept their circumstances as normal. What is the plan if you outlive your money, develop dementia, and your circumstances become dire with nowhere to turn?
So, do you have an end-game plan?
In sports, tactics and strategies play a crucial role, especially as the game proceeds and heads towards the end. The winning team normally adopts a defensive approach by defending their territory and, ultimately, their score on the board. In ball games, keeping control of the ball and keeping the opposition out of your half of the field becomes priority number one.
At the same time, the trailing team may change players to gain some fresh legs that can act as a “bomb squad”, and their tactics become much more forceful and aggressive to try and intimidate and bulldoze their opposition in an attempt to make up lost ground.
Financial and life planning are not much different. The main difference is that through proper planning and selecting a competent support team (including family members), you can ensure that you always remain in the lead and that you never have to deploy the “bomb squad” to try and make up for lost ground.
What are the areas that need to be addressed?
Financial distress
Much has been written about the importance of accumulating sufficient funds to cover future expenses. Discuss this with your financial planner and with your family. Include a “safety factor” of at least 20%, meaning that whatever the capital required calculation amounts to, add 20% to ensure long-term sustainability.
If a shortfall is evident, talk to your family and explain the consequences. I have yet to meet children who will not assist their parents financially sometime in the future. The important factor is to talk to them and agree on the timelines. Don’t speak to them when a crisis is about to happen …
If you do not have children or family who can assist financially, a relook at expenses will be necessary.
Relocating to a retirement home
This often becomes a highly debated topic. Often, spouses view this differently. It is difficult to forfeit the independence and freedom of your own family home that you have enjoyed for multiple decades. As long as both parties are healthy and capable of supporting each other, living in your own standalone home is fine.
The problem arises if one of the spouses suffers a health setback or people become aged and frail. It is not fair to expect one of the partners to become the other’s carer, and there is no guarantee which partner will become dependent on the other first.
Living in a multi-storey house becomes challenging when one or both partners start experiencing mobility problems, as does maintaining large gardens.
I found it challenging to find a suitable frail care home for my mother after we could no longer care for her day-to-day when she fell victim to dementia some years back. High-care and frail care units are reserved for the inhabitants of the larger retirement community within a retirement village. Not many of them accept “outsiders”, and if they do, inhabitants are subjected to evaluations to determine how far their dementia has progressed.
Three facilities rejected our application because my mom did not pass the test. The fourth one accepted her subject to a six-month probation period. The point that I am trying to make is that if you wait too long, you will have difficulty finding a facility that will accept you. You will not be able to join one of your choice. You will have to take whatever is available, and even then, there is no guarantee that your application will be successful.
Don’t delay. Select, sooner rather than later, a retirement village that you will enjoy, where you can age comfortably and where they offer suitable support and care for when you can no longer care for yourself.
If you are happy with your living environment, half your battle is won, and the bonus is that you gain a support structure if you move to a retirement village/home. You will be surrounded by like-minded people who experience the same challenges as you. In many cases, this new community becomes your extended family.
It also provides you with two of the most important challenges of a successful retirement, namely belonging and community. Belonging to a society where you are acknowledged and supported and where you, in turn, can add value and support your new community may alter some people’s view to “end it” …
Health
One fact that we can all accept is that as we age, we will suffer from more health ailments, and the cost of medical expenses will escalate to become one of our major day-to-day expenses. This should be considered in all financial/retirement plans. Make sure that suitable medical aid cover is in place and stays in place.
Apart from the cost, health issues will start playing a role in our quality of life. We may think (and the comment gets made often) that we still feel the same as when we were 25. Please don’t try to climb that 30-metre-high tree or jump across that two-metre-wide ditch if you are over 50. It will not end well. If you are over 60 it will more than likely end up disastrous! This loss of strength and coordination is hugely frustrating and can render one to feel helpless sometimes, but that is just something we have to accept.
Joint pains, stiffness, shortness of breath, failing hearing and whatever life throws at us are normal and can lead to a feeling of uselessness and depression. This is still no reason to consider the “quick way out”. There are many people around you with the same (and often more) challenges than you experience and who live wonderful, fulfilling, happy lives. Adapt your life and daily exercise and activities by considering your limitations. You don’t have to run the Comrades anymore. A relaxing hike through a forest or beside the sea can be as fulfilling.
Make an effort to keep active. A healthy body supports a healthy mind, and a healthy mind prevents you from making harsh decisions …
Loneliness
Various factors can bring on loneliness. Losing a loved one, family and friends moving overseas, retiring from your long-term employment, losing a pet, the list goes on.
Loneliness is one of the main contributors to depression and suicide. I referred to belonging and community in the section about relocating to a retirement home above. I cannot over-emphasise the importance of interaction with family, friends and the larger community. To ensure mental health and longevity, make an effort to maintain your relationships. If you feel down, talk to someone. Chances are they felt that way yesterday …
When one retires, it is not only the individual who experiences the challenges. Family and friends also experience your life-changing transition. Share your feelings with them and your larger community. Build your team who can support you during challenging times and who you can support during their challenging times. As a combined unified team, your end game can be much more pleasant than what you anticipate.
Take care of yourselves and each other like the three musketeers. All for one and one for all …
Suicide Crisis Helpline 24/7
0800 567 567
